my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
