she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
