you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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