So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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