I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
