How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
