So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
