Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
