hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
