I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
