I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
