I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
