I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
