Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
