ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
