idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
