So drunk its hurt
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
