Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
