I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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