Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
