Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
