U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
