You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
