I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
