she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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