I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
