hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
