you turned your livingroom into a bong?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
