It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Randomize
