The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
