Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
