I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
