it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
