Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize