you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
