I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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