I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
