Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
