Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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