rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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