Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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