Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
