Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
