our cab driver is having phone sex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
