I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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