I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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