you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
