I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
