Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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