I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
